To me, special friend is an ex-lover who you would always have a soft spot for, someone you would always love, someone you would never forget. Most of the time, he/she'll be the first person you've ever loved. A special friend is someone you love, but you are not in love with. You love the person more than a friend, and less than a lover. You love the person not in a romantic sense, just in a I-really-care-for-you kinda love. You'd experience an aching feeling,just thinking of the past; what you used to be. Miss him/her terribly every once in a while even. Hell, he/she mightn't have been the best other half, you could even have been let down too many times. It doesn't have to be the best relationship you've ever had. It was just the first time you ever gave your heart away. And when they left, you never quite got it back in whole.maybe, just maybe, the connection you feel to that person is because he/she still has a part of you; a part you can't have back. He/she would be someone who'll always have you in a chokehold. Someone you'd do anything for; stop the world even, if you could. Someone who can and would always get you trippin'.
That someone is your Special Friend.
last year/ years ago. b wrote and i really like it. maybe because of the connection i feel when i read it.
haven't been myself since friday. i remember waking up feeling like shit and so, went to jb for walk. not because of anything in particular. maybe that's life. you gotta learn to embrace it. somehow.
i sat in Yishun dam for a whole three hours. trying to sort out my thoughts, feelings and -
probably is the first time this year when my eyes sweat like this. i thought of what jer asked me while walking back to management house today. he asked if have moved on. found myself choke on my words. after all the avoidance all these while, i finally sat down and think/look through things.
actually, i think i've moved on. (so dont address me as the woman who cant be moved anymore. haa) boy, it've been five years. if i didn't move a single bit, i probably stepped on cement back then.
we talked about time being the factor. time heals they said..
but does time really heals? or it merely forget?
maybe because it's my first. so i literally gave it all away. when you left. the void and emptiness came back to haunt me every now and then. or maybe because you've been great. seriously nice. i've never seen someone with temper as nice as yours. jokes as funny as yours. as easy going as you, etc, etc. though you're not the ideal. but you're the perfect. sometimes i wonder if you've been an ass instead, maybe i would have moved on long ago. anyway, the point is, whenever darkness falls or when i feel a little down, you came to my mind because i have a part with you and it's impossible for me to get it back. over the years, i became dependent on you, though you're no longer there. over time, i got so used to it and that's when you see me sending random hello and goodbye text to you every half a year.
actually i've always thought that being hurt emotionally is the worst feeling one could ever experience. then, came a point of my life when i hurt someone - a very good friend. then i realised, the feeling of hurting someone aint anywhere better. because other than feeling hurt, there's guilt that follows you. i dont know if that's the same for you. but i hope it's no longer the case since you have -
okay. i hope this wall of text doesnt kill my avid reader's eyes.
third part of the post is,
since a long time ago. the heart feels dead. (feelings wise). because i fully understand the fact that he who could pull you out of the well, could be the one who gives you a harder push to drown you - for good.
BUT, then came along... hmm. let's call this person polly. polly is not really a friend. maybe just an acquaintance(maybe). but what's special about polly is, the first time i met polly, polly left a very deep impression on me. not really love at first sight. i'd call it chemistry at first sight.. it's quite a magical feeling. dont really know how to describe. it's sth like, u see butterflies flying around their head. HAHAHAHAH! next time draw for you. then, i thought maybe is because i was tired that day since it's quite impossible for me to feel that way. but for the second and third time, the butterflies are still alive and kicking. and the thing is, Polly made me look/smell/hear/touch/feel (basically invloves the 5 senses) things which i've been trying to avoid over the years.
BUT! (sorry uh, haven end)
because of my inferiority complex (im not joking, i really have inferiority complex. soonpa!) and i know it's impossible because of the differences/im not Polly cup of tea/we wont be moving in the same direction(i think), i started drawing lines and try to distance myself, something which i think i somehow succeed.
and i think im quite proud of myself because this shows that i finally have control over my what the head says instead of what the heart feels. by the way, P doesnt have to be a male. could be a male/female.
Hahaha. okay. blogging is the remedy.
i think i feel alot better now. (maybe because im thinking very rationally)
but it's time to get ready and go to school!
good game already.
sorry for the wall of text.
damage +99999
drop me a tag if any of you read through this entry word by word.
haha.
love you baby.
HAHAHAHA
xxx
